Third pregnancy is

third

Third pregnancy, first trimester is: I wake up feeling nauseous and it stays with me. I’m feeling so tired and overwhelmed by the girls. I feel like Lux must be bored with me all day, and has nothing to look forward to every day. I hate making food. The smells in the kitchen gross me out. The trash and the fridge both smell awful from a distance. I feel so tired at night that I’m sad. I’m so tired that I feel darkly about how the day has gone. Joan wakes up so grouchy that it immediately discourages me when I encounter her. I feel surrounded by women who are making things and creating; and I’m just making a baby. And feeling sick the whole time of it. And that’s how the sentence rings in my head: just making a baby.

but then, finally, second trimester:

Third pregnancy is your midwife telling you to just skip the next appointment.

is feeling a little dismal about the lack of attention you’ve given your body in between babies. Like it’s the closet that didn’t get sprucing last spring. Like it’s the shoes that are cracking when you really need them. They’re still yours, but you think maybe you could have treated them better.

is your friends who “are done” joyfully trying to give you everything and anything baby-themed in their homes.

is not thinking about being pregnant once all day, and then thrilling at a tiny kick.

is being happier about how your oldest reacts to the news than anyone or anything else.

is knowing more women who are fighting infertility than you’ve ever known. Feeling like the one with a sandwich in a room of hunger. Wishing you could share. Wishing you could fix it. Wishing pregnancy was infectious via hugs.

is wondering how soon I should ask our beloved sitter how she feels about three.

is grinning when you get an email from your doula because it’s the only thing you’ve done for this one of your kids in weeks.

is your four-year-old, at a dinner party, loudly whispering “your belly looks really big” at 16 weeks.

Third pregnancy is laughing at how clueless you feel about how much your life will change soon. And how it doesn’t matter.

photo by Lux
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10 thoughts on “Third pregnancy is

  1. Congratulations! I’ve been so inspired to learn from you on how to balance two (I only have one so far) so I will be extra inspired to hear about balancing three. You have such a lovely family!

  2. I love this! Especially the line about the moms that “are done.” I am so that mom right now. Over-excited about shedding all the baby things as if just by having them in the house I may get pregnant again 😉 I am so excited for you and love your perspective on motherhood.

  3. I like your line about feeling like you’re having a sandwich in a room of hunger. We’ve been dealing with infertility for a couple of years, so I especially appreciate your sentiment. Keep writing!

      • Agreeing wholeheartedly with Susie. Sometimes being seen is enough to keep the hurt from becoming overwhelming. That line just makes me love you more. And the fact that you see motherhood for the gift that it is. Hoping the rest of your pregnancy is peaceful and happy, R. Huge congratulations again. xo

  4. I’m so glad you feel sick and tired all the time too. As a first timer still in the first trimester, it’s such a change. I feel so lazy and unproductive. “Just making a baby” seems like a lame excuse but perhaps it’s just the reality.

  5. I am in EXACTLY THE SAME BOAT. So many of those experiences are my experiences this third time around. Especially trying is that awful morning encounter with the four-year-old! I, too, feel discouraged about what I’m really able to accomplish versus what I wish so badly I could accomplish. Though half the time I don’t even know what that is! I stay at home with my children and am thinking seriously about homeschooling, so much of what you write about rings true. For me the biggest comfort comes from knowing other big families who have all done this thing and can show me the real-ness and of it all and the beauty of it as well.

  6. So much of this resonates with me- I’m on my third pregnancy, but second child. I KNOW that my almost 2 year old is SO bored of staying home all the time and watching tv, but it’s all I’ve had the energy for. I haven’t had the terrible nausea that I experienced with her for almost half of my pregnancy, but it’s been enough, and without energy or motivation to do more than feed and dress us many days. I have one week left of the first trimester, and am hoping that I receive some strength soon and that this fall that will be the last with only three of us is a sweet time that we’ll remember fondly. Also? Being pregnant when one you love isn’t and wishes to be is very complicated & brings so many feelings. Infertility is such a big thing that seems to be too covered up and shushed too often and it makes me sad.

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