Third pregnancy, first trimester is: I wake up feeling nauseous and it stays with me. I’m feeling so tired and overwhelmed by the girls. I feel like Lux must be bored with me all day, and has nothing to look forward to every day. I hate making food. The smells in the kitchen gross me out. The trash and the fridge both smell awful from a distance. I feel so tired at night that I’m sad. I’m so tired that I feel darkly about how the day has gone. Joan wakes up so grouchy that it immediately discourages me when I encounter her. I feel surrounded by women who are making things and creating; and I’m just making a baby. And feeling sick the whole time of it. And that’s how the sentence rings in my head: just making a baby.
but then, finally, second trimester:
Third pregnancy is your midwife telling you to just skip the next appointment.
is feeling a little dismal about the lack of attention you’ve given your body in between babies. Like it’s the closet that didn’t get sprucing last spring. Like it’s the shoes that are cracking when you really need them. They’re still yours, but you think maybe you could have treated them better.
is your friends who “are done” joyfully trying to give you everything and anything baby-themed in their homes.
is not thinking about being pregnant once all day, and then thrilling at a tiny kick.
is being happier about how your oldest reacts to the news than anyone or anything else.
is knowing more women who are fighting infertility than you’ve ever known. Feeling like the one with a sandwich in a room of hunger. Wishing you could share. Wishing you could fix it. Wishing pregnancy was infectious via hugs.
is wondering how soon I should ask our beloved sitter how she feels about three.
is grinning when you get an email from your doula because it’s the only thing you’ve done for this one of your kids in weeks.
is your four-year-old, at a dinner party, loudly whispering “your belly looks really big” at 16 weeks.
Third pregnancy is laughing at how clueless you feel about how much your life will change soon. And how it doesn’t matter.